I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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