In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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