I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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