I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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