I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I party with great urgency now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
