you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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