Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
