Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
