I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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