so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
