i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
