Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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