dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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