it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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