I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we made out on top of his cat.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
