I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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