What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Randomize
