My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
this is an emotional support booty call
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
