Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
