I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
