Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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