This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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