omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
