I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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