I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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