I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
