I want to make a zoo with you.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
