I'm lost and stupid without you.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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