Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
