Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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