I wish I could teleport
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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