I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
