Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
