the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
