I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
