Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
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