If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
