you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
