I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
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I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
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It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have already put on my inside pants.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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