I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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