I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Houston, we have a blender
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
