Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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