She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
