Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
