I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Randomize
