I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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