I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
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Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think a kid would responsible me up
They took my balls.
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Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up