you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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