Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
