Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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