You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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