I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
