college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Houston, we have a blender
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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