I love black thongs
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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