Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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