ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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