These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
