Can i not drive my cunt home
You can't special order awesome
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
